Having now stayed awake too many hours for rational thoughts to still be in my head, I thought I'd come and blog. I've sortve crossed over that blurred line between sanity and insanity (as if I don't sortve walk that line ALL THE TIME).
Here's the thing...I am not proud of the feelings I am having right now. I really wish, in fact, that I was NOT having the feelings I am having. Confronting aging and mortality wasn't on my menu, ok? But here it is, everywhere I turn lately.
I hate being this age and still giving a shit about what people think of me. I should have gotten over that more than a decade ago, but no, I still worry all the damn time about what people think. And I hate that everything is so out of control right now, that it's almost 5AM and I'm not sleeping, that I was up until 8AM after an all-nighter and I KNOW that I am not 20 years old anymore and that there will, eventually (sooner rather than later) be consequences for this stupid behavior of mine.
And I hate more than that the fact that I am jealous, beyond all reason, of youth. Of someone who is all of the things I never was getting attention whilst I am sitting in the midst of it all like a wart on the ass of life.
I need to sleep. I need a shower. I can't do either of those things. I am afraid to leave the room I'm in. I wish I could just get swallowed up by the floor. I am horrified at the state of things... the state of myself... and the fact that my only choice for seeing any positive change is to Go To Helyn Wayte.
Saturday, December 14, 2013
Saturday, November 23, 2013
Dark Clouds
As I mentioned previously... the year is speeding to a close. Closing doors. Endings. It's making me a little blue. The weather has turned cold... again, making me a little blue but in a more frigid sort of way.
The familiar, nagging feeling that the other shoe is about to drop has come back. It often does this time of year. Most of the time, it's just a reminder that I am not getting any younger rather than a harbinger of actual, imminent doom. But while under it's spell, the little black cloud of doom hangs low over me and even as I smile my way through the season, it hovers ominously.
I find myself hoping that there is, that there will be, that there MIGHT be time. I feel like I've gotten to being the age that I am without having accomplished anything of significance. Sometimes, I am more bothered by that than others. I sit and wonder why things are the way they are. I ponder whether I will ever find a purpose and, if/when I do, what will it be?
"And she is standing at the gate.... with all her possibilities" -- words from poems from ages ago but yet it was just the blink of an eye. The poet on the threshold between life and death.
There comes a point, though... when I realize that my musings are taking a dark turn and perhaps it is time to head to bed...or Go To Helyn Wayte.
The familiar, nagging feeling that the other shoe is about to drop has come back. It often does this time of year. Most of the time, it's just a reminder that I am not getting any younger rather than a harbinger of actual, imminent doom. But while under it's spell, the little black cloud of doom hangs low over me and even as I smile my way through the season, it hovers ominously.
I find myself hoping that there is, that there will be, that there MIGHT be time. I feel like I've gotten to being the age that I am without having accomplished anything of significance. Sometimes, I am more bothered by that than others. I sit and wonder why things are the way they are. I ponder whether I will ever find a purpose and, if/when I do, what will it be?
"And she is standing at the gate.... with all her possibilities" -- words from poems from ages ago but yet it was just the blink of an eye. The poet on the threshold between life and death.
There comes a point, though... when I realize that my musings are taking a dark turn and perhaps it is time to head to bed...or Go To Helyn Wayte.
Thursday, November 7, 2013
Long Time, No See
Dear Reader,
It's been quite some time since I was here. I'd nearly forgotten about this little corner of the internet. But then, I made some changes to other corners of the Internet and now here is the appropriate place for that which cannot be expressed elsewhere.
There is a chill in the air. Another year speeds to closure. Holiday decorations have already taken root in the retail wastelands.
I sent an email today to someone I haven't heard from in a couple of years. I know that it will likely float in the ether until the end of time. Unread. With no response forthcoming. Like the emails I have sent over the last two years. Time... and people... move on. Whether we are ready for them to or not.
It's strange. I have someone helping me and I can't quite figure out WHY. I'm so very grateful for the help but this person could be making money in the time they are helping me and still, they choose to offer me what I cannot compensate them for... I hate to think that guilt is the currency in this transaction. I quell the voice inside that says I am owed. A series of unfortunate events obligates no one. We share a laugh over the statement that if a mutual acquaintance, whose half-truths, smoke & mirrors ended up costing both of us, appears again before us, a bullet in his skull would be ever-so-satisfying. Both of us knowing that our integrity and honor would not even allow us so much as a profanity uttered in a raise voice. But what harm is there in a simple, if violent, daydream shared by friends?
I stop to wonder if we really ARE friends... or if that is just the context my mind forces me to in order to be ok with all that has transpired. I hope so desperately that the friendship exists and it isn't that the other party simply does not know how to tell me to Go To Helyn Wayte.
Yours Truly,
Helyn Wayte
It's been quite some time since I was here. I'd nearly forgotten about this little corner of the internet. But then, I made some changes to other corners of the Internet and now here is the appropriate place for that which cannot be expressed elsewhere.
There is a chill in the air. Another year speeds to closure. Holiday decorations have already taken root in the retail wastelands.
I sent an email today to someone I haven't heard from in a couple of years. I know that it will likely float in the ether until the end of time. Unread. With no response forthcoming. Like the emails I have sent over the last two years. Time... and people... move on. Whether we are ready for them to or not.
It's strange. I have someone helping me and I can't quite figure out WHY. I'm so very grateful for the help but this person could be making money in the time they are helping me and still, they choose to offer me what I cannot compensate them for... I hate to think that guilt is the currency in this transaction. I quell the voice inside that says I am owed. A series of unfortunate events obligates no one. We share a laugh over the statement that if a mutual acquaintance, whose half-truths, smoke & mirrors ended up costing both of us, appears again before us, a bullet in his skull would be ever-so-satisfying. Both of us knowing that our integrity and honor would not even allow us so much as a profanity uttered in a raise voice. But what harm is there in a simple, if violent, daydream shared by friends?
I stop to wonder if we really ARE friends... or if that is just the context my mind forces me to in order to be ok with all that has transpired. I hope so desperately that the friendship exists and it isn't that the other party simply does not know how to tell me to Go To Helyn Wayte.
Yours Truly,
Helyn Wayte
Monday, December 31, 2012
December (perhaps post-apocalypse)
If you are seeing this post it means that all of the Doomsday people were wrong and the world did not come to an end on 12/21/2012. Or maybe you are an alien sifting through the rubble after the destruction and are happening upon this trying to figure out what the Hell happened to Earth.
At any rate, this post is being written well before the impending apocalypse.... just in case, you know. I'd hate to miss the opportunity just because I was dead.
Not that I actually believe the world is coming to an end, but I like to hedge my bets and make sure that every once in a while I can lock in a "sure thing".
In actuality, though, I know only one thing to be certain... that I will, eventually, end up having to GoTo Helyn Wayte.
At any rate, this post is being written well before the impending apocalypse.... just in case, you know. I'd hate to miss the opportunity just because I was dead.
Not that I actually believe the world is coming to an end, but I like to hedge my bets and make sure that every once in a while I can lock in a "sure thing".
In actuality, though, I know only one thing to be certain... that I will, eventually, end up having to GoTo Helyn Wayte.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Aggravating Landlord
Dear Apartment Manager,
Unlike my neighbors, I don't slam doors, have kids who are outside screaming as if they are being murdered from 7AM until well past midnight or play my music so loud that walls shake and small birds are flung from their nests from the sheer vibration. Why, then, do you torment me?
I pay my rent on time (most months EARLY) and in full every month. I pay my utilities on time (most months EARLY ) and in full every month. I only ask for maintenance when the problem is something I absolutely cannot safely repair myself. I am clean, quiet and courteous. I don't have my guests park in resident spots for 2-3 weeks at a time. I don't have a dog that I leave on my porch for 24 hours a day, even when it's cold. (Seriously, I have a neighbor who has a small dog that is left outside all the time and when I walk by in the morning and it's 28 degrees outside I hear the poor little thing whimpering... it breaks my heart).
I have to conjecture that you hate me for reasons I cannot fathom when you send notices that are vague and past due notices when I've never, ever paid late. I know that you have a plethora of absolutely horrid tenants, so why are you treating those who are good like we are something nasty you stepped in and now you want to get us off the bottom of your shoe?
It all makes me so upset that next time you want your rent money, I want to tell you to GoTo Helyn Wayte!
No Love Whatsoever,
Helyn Wayte
Unlike my neighbors, I don't slam doors, have kids who are outside screaming as if they are being murdered from 7AM until well past midnight or play my music so loud that walls shake and small birds are flung from their nests from the sheer vibration. Why, then, do you torment me?
I pay my rent on time (most months EARLY) and in full every month. I pay my utilities on time (most months EARLY ) and in full every month. I only ask for maintenance when the problem is something I absolutely cannot safely repair myself. I am clean, quiet and courteous. I don't have my guests park in resident spots for 2-3 weeks at a time. I don't have a dog that I leave on my porch for 24 hours a day, even when it's cold. (Seriously, I have a neighbor who has a small dog that is left outside all the time and when I walk by in the morning and it's 28 degrees outside I hear the poor little thing whimpering... it breaks my heart).
I have to conjecture that you hate me for reasons I cannot fathom when you send notices that are vague and past due notices when I've never, ever paid late. I know that you have a plethora of absolutely horrid tenants, so why are you treating those who are good like we are something nasty you stepped in and now you want to get us off the bottom of your shoe?
It all makes me so upset that next time you want your rent money, I want to tell you to GoTo Helyn Wayte!
No Love Whatsoever,
Helyn Wayte
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Fear
Dear Future,
You're very uncertain right now. I honestly don't see how everything is going to turn out allright even though I am trying to paste on a smile and be positive and happy and make it look like I'm not at all worried. Truth be told I am absolutely terrified that I'm going to lose everything and end up alone, with nothing and that all of the people I know will shake their heads and tell me I deserve to end up in ruin.
I've tried to make everything ok, but I keep running into walls everywhere I turn. And I am afraid. And I want to give up but I can't. I want someone to do the impossible and help me make everything all right. Actually, I know someone with that power, but it's too much for me to ask. And no one owes me anything.
I'm not sure what to do next. It's very tempting to just give up and make the final exit. Yes, it seems that hopeless. I'm sorry. Maybe it's time for ME to GoTo Helyn Wayte.
Regretfully,
Helyn Wayte
You're very uncertain right now. I honestly don't see how everything is going to turn out allright even though I am trying to paste on a smile and be positive and happy and make it look like I'm not at all worried. Truth be told I am absolutely terrified that I'm going to lose everything and end up alone, with nothing and that all of the people I know will shake their heads and tell me I deserve to end up in ruin.
I've tried to make everything ok, but I keep running into walls everywhere I turn. And I am afraid. And I want to give up but I can't. I want someone to do the impossible and help me make everything all right. Actually, I know someone with that power, but it's too much for me to ask. And no one owes me anything.
I'm not sure what to do next. It's very tempting to just give up and make the final exit. Yes, it seems that hopeless. I'm sorry. Maybe it's time for ME to GoTo Helyn Wayte.
Regretfully,
Helyn Wayte
Monday, January 9, 2012
Oh, Insomnia...
Oh Insomnia,
You are so doggedly persistent. You keep me up on weekends. You keep me up on weeknights, which are work nights, you keep me up when my fondest wish is to just go to sleep.
I give you a variety of drugs and home remedies in an effort to make you find another home. To no avail. You resist all of my efforts to free myself from your embrace. It's so fortunate for you that I have no health insurance or we would see how you would fare against Ambien. You turn melatonin into nightmares and most sleep aids into a day of foggy and groggy following their use.
This is no way to live, Insomnia. I'm someone who needs sleep. If I don't get sleep then I get crabby and take it out on those around me and then they do not like me anymore. I try not to do this, I try to tell them it's you, but they don't seem to understand, having never had you as an acquaintance.
Darken my doorstep nomore or I will continue to beseech you to GoTo Helyn Wayte.
Exhaustedly,
Helyn
You are so doggedly persistent. You keep me up on weekends. You keep me up on weeknights, which are work nights, you keep me up when my fondest wish is to just go to sleep.
I give you a variety of drugs and home remedies in an effort to make you find another home. To no avail. You resist all of my efforts to free myself from your embrace. It's so fortunate for you that I have no health insurance or we would see how you would fare against Ambien. You turn melatonin into nightmares and most sleep aids into a day of foggy and groggy following their use.
This is no way to live, Insomnia. I'm someone who needs sleep. If I don't get sleep then I get crabby and take it out on those around me and then they do not like me anymore. I try not to do this, I try to tell them it's you, but they don't seem to understand, having never had you as an acquaintance.
Darken my doorstep nomore or I will continue to beseech you to GoTo Helyn Wayte.
Exhaustedly,
Helyn
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