Crossed the line?

Having now stayed awake too many hours for rational thoughts to still be in my head, I thought I'd come and blog.  I've sortve crossed over that blurred line between sanity and insanity (as if I don't sortve walk that line ALL THE TIME).

Here's the thing...I am not proud of the feelings I am having right now. I really wish, in fact, that I was NOT having the feelings I am having.  Confronting aging and mortality wasn't on my menu, ok?  But here it is, everywhere I turn lately.

I hate being this age and still giving a shit about what people think of me. I should have gotten over that more than a decade ago, but no, I still worry all the damn time about what people think. And I hate that everything is so out of control right now, that it's almost 5AM and I'm not sleeping, that I was up until 8AM after an all-nighter and I KNOW that I am not 20 years old anymore and that there will, eventually (sooner rather than later) be consequences for this stupid behavior of mine.

And I hate more than that the fact that I am jealous, beyond all reason, of youth.  Of someone who is all of the things I never was getting attention whilst I am sitting in the midst of it all like a wart on the ass of life.

I need to sleep. I need a shower. I can't do either of those things. I am afraid to leave the room I'm in. I wish I could just get swallowed up by the floor.  I am horrified at the state of things... the state of myself... and the fact that my only choice for seeing any positive change is to Go To Helyn Wayte.